Thoughts Provoked!!

This a comment that I put on Shama's post. I recommend you read her post first before moving onto reading mine.

"this reminds me a similar quote that a heard a few days back by one of my professors. i cant place it in verbatim here, though.
it goes something like, "we are ourselves' greatest friend or the greatest foe. we hav to decide whether to hinder the self or let it grow." (hey its rhyming. im sure it wasnt rhyming wen prof. put it.) it isnt exact but kinda relates to the first and last line of ur quote.

but i think ur quote is true. ours is always a conflict between the mind and the heart, between practicality and emotions, between individual freedom and societal norms. and the one body, that is ours, gets clashed in the conflict.
and then realisation leads to efforts of breaking free.
:-) "

I have come to realise this lately; why don't we become aware that we are harming ourselves at time. Of course self-destructive thoughts and going as far as self-destruction are human thoughts, it's natural that we have them running through our minds. I have been subjecting myself to a lot of self-destructive thoughst lately, but then as Alter Abhishek puts it, what really matters how fast and efficiently we can get back to being the normal selves with our survival instincts.

My post and thoughts on this space are way different from what Shama might have been suggesting, it could be looked at as an off shoot what she is saying. I find a lot of things discussed these days on my fellow boggies blogs to be hitting me straight home. Right now, I'm in such a state of mind that I cant really think clearly and I find talk about varied topics overlapping onto each other. For example, Aditi's post & her comments kind of makes me think that how sometimes one doesnt have much choice (no offence to Aditi). I hate to think that way but looking at certain things in my own life I have conclude its true. Do we get to decide which country we are going to take birth into, who our parents are going to be or our siblings. We have a choice in the area of making friends but do we have a choice in meeting people that we do and how they come and go and change our lives for better or for worse. Okay, I'm veering off the topic, but all I'm saying is if pressure from other people to do certain things in our life is not enough, even we ourselves in a fuzzy state of mind or in anger or sadness make some choices. peer pressure, familial pressure, societal pressure, restrictions due to age, restrictions due to sex....why?!?!?!!

I hate societal pressure. Especially in a country like India. Sometimes I hate being a girl for the amount of restrictions that are laden on me not only by family but but society as a whole. Girls cant do certain derring-do's, girls cant stay out late at nights, girls have to conform to a certain image, women cant do crime reporting (okay, there are women who do brave deeds like war-zone reporting or crime reporting, but how many?? The number of women doing that can be counted on the fingers of your hands!). We have to explain about our actions and account for our time and money spent, with whom and on whom! Fuck society, I hate the patriarchal system, I hate being told to do certain things in a certain way! And when under pressure I do listen to society and people and not to myself, I become my greatest foe just like the quote Shama put. Why cant people let one be??

It becomes such a fucked up state of mind listening to people who say they are your well-wishers. And then one gets tired of listening to the same rant by the same people, and eventually all rationality, creativity to solve one's problem to get the best deal flies out of the window!

My post might sound very incoherent and something's getting linked to something else which dont really have a connection. Forgive my fuzzy state of mind. Seems like I lost track....

Dazed

Hmmm….

Here I am posting a new post after many, many days. Sure I had felt the urge to write and published and deleted three of those. Even though this blog is my personal space and I can post whatever I feel like here, I somehow was overcome by the thought of what the reader will think about me, that maybe am some sort of a depressed Meena Kumari (maybe I am!! Who cares?!?!) And that I didn’t want my mental weariness finding its way over here…it’s a space I love!! Why should I cloud it over…!! Here I am, sharing a piece of my mind, and not venting out a steam of frustration…I don’t want this space to be violent!!

: D

I have seen the past few days give me a hard time. There are some things that I have to do but I don’t like doing them…putting up a façade in front of people so that they wont know the troubling thoughts wearing me out inside. Wearing false smiles when I am aware of how badly it hurts deep inside. I just so wish to be myself. I don’t very much get a chance to be myself. And when I do, all I see is anger billowing out of my voice through my words hurting people who I do not want to, those very people who are benevolent to not say anything to me and bear the brunt of my frustrations (the reason for which they do not know). So I decide it best to keep away from people…

After a long time, I heard saying to myself that I do not want to live. That was quite surprising to me, because I have always disproved of those words…saying those are meant for weak people. Maybe I am weak willed. But am quite challenged to take on life. Gives a high! But when you can’t take the pain anymore and the bottled up frustration and longing for companionship is killing you, this is what happens. Moreover, it all seems so roller coaster-like. I have these sad bouts and feel like a heavy burden has been placed on my chest. I feel so muddled up and incoherent and now when I felt a bit clearer and rational, I acted upon putting all my thoughts down. Am feeling calm right now, but then there’s no saying when I’ll be accosted by feelings of immense hate, repulsion, anger and love. Its unbearable when all come down on you together.

Some things are so unforgettable.

I am taking every effort not to blurt out some really hurtful words to some people. Taking every effort to keep it all bottled inside me. It’s wearing me out.

Right now I find solace in words said by someone forgotten…. Time Heals and This Too Shall Pass…