Dazed

Hmmm….

Here I am posting a new post after many, many days. Sure I had felt the urge to write and published and deleted three of those. Even though this blog is my personal space and I can post whatever I feel like here, I somehow was overcome by the thought of what the reader will think about me, that maybe am some sort of a depressed Meena Kumari (maybe I am!! Who cares?!?!) And that I didn’t want my mental weariness finding its way over here…it’s a space I love!! Why should I cloud it over…!! Here I am, sharing a piece of my mind, and not venting out a steam of frustration…I don’t want this space to be violent!!

: D

I have seen the past few days give me a hard time. There are some things that I have to do but I don’t like doing them…putting up a façade in front of people so that they wont know the troubling thoughts wearing me out inside. Wearing false smiles when I am aware of how badly it hurts deep inside. I just so wish to be myself. I don’t very much get a chance to be myself. And when I do, all I see is anger billowing out of my voice through my words hurting people who I do not want to, those very people who are benevolent to not say anything to me and bear the brunt of my frustrations (the reason for which they do not know). So I decide it best to keep away from people…

After a long time, I heard saying to myself that I do not want to live. That was quite surprising to me, because I have always disproved of those words…saying those are meant for weak people. Maybe I am weak willed. But am quite challenged to take on life. Gives a high! But when you can’t take the pain anymore and the bottled up frustration and longing for companionship is killing you, this is what happens. Moreover, it all seems so roller coaster-like. I have these sad bouts and feel like a heavy burden has been placed on my chest. I feel so muddled up and incoherent and now when I felt a bit clearer and rational, I acted upon putting all my thoughts down. Am feeling calm right now, but then there’s no saying when I’ll be accosted by feelings of immense hate, repulsion, anger and love. Its unbearable when all come down on you together.

Some things are so unforgettable.

I am taking every effort not to blurt out some really hurtful words to some people. Taking every effort to keep it all bottled inside me. It’s wearing me out.

Right now I find solace in words said by someone forgotten…. Time Heals and This Too Shall Pass…