:-)

It had been quite a beautiful day, but my spirits were low.

Have you ever had this feeling or something going through your mind and body and you’re not conscious (being conscious yet dazed?) enough to exactly place what it is…? Something that has no name, a feeling that can only be understood when described but even the description can’t match the feeling…? I’m so hoping that I’m making sense! Here I was sitting all day long reading and hoping that THIS feeling would creep away. Couldn’t help feeling this feeling…aaarrgghhhh!!

Sometimes keeping the music levels to their highest decibels helps! I hate doing that, a pain to my eardrums and being subject to yelling’s from whoever’s in the house with me! But anything to drive this feeling away…I mean today was such a beautiful day, and yet this forlornness, a feeling like I have lost whatever good I had and won’t, in the future find anything close to the things that I once had…I don’t even know what I am talking about. Feels like keeping from bursting at the seams inside!

I had wanted to talk to myself (aloud) and to someone who’d understand me and tell me what is going on…but how can anyone know when I myself do not!

I suddenly feel like doing all those things that I got to do as a child; nagging my loving elders to let me do this or that, buy me whatever I wished for, going on fancy rides….the list is endless. Unfortunately I cant do those. And after reading Aditi’s tag-post, that craving has increased. I have always wanted to lie under the clear blue skies and count the clouds and feel the winds. That seemed an impossible dream, especially when I used to see ‘Heidi,’ the cartoon series. Every time I’d watch that, I’d long to be in the hills feeling the winds breeze against my body, feel my hair blowing. I have wanted to gaze at the full moon, at an extremely cold night and snow with open spaces where I’d skate. Ice-skate. Just like in ‘Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.’ I want to go to Stonehenge. That’s another land of vast open space and with mysticism attached to it.

But since I can’t do that, I went to the terrace of my eighteen-storey building and literally danced and skipped, taking in the view of the world below and feeling the small winds. I listened to my favourite songs with the volume full on. Listening to ‘All The People In The World’ by ‘Safri Duo’ and ‘Clark Anderson’ brought me some energy from sagging further than I already had in the entire day. I had been searching for the magical essence that ‘Daft Punk’s’ ‘Digital Love’ had, something that I revered, but that seems lost. ‘Electrical Storm’ by ‘U2’ still relates to that fogginess that the rains bring along and so do circumstances in life. I feel like seeing a reflection of mine in those line coupled with well-composed music…

And finally, the unexpected. A talk with mom shook away all the dizziness of mind that I had been carrying along all day. I realized I had so wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t know about what. There are so many issues unresolved beneath the exterior and talking just about anything instead of nothing made me somewhat aware of what seemed to be troubling me. Not fully though. Well, such moments don’t come everyday. It’s very rare for such talks to happen. I’m thankful today that it happened. Made me realise a few subtle truths.